Conversations with Daddy

Dear Appa,

Ayi... its been almost a year (is has hasn't it) since you died, but just feels like yesterday that I laughed at Arun, thinking it was joke played on me, to get me to visit India ASAP. You know how berfit I felt when I came back to really find you gone without a trace... four long years since I'd seen you, hugged you, kissed you or laid in your lap.

I miss you. I don't think about you all the time anymore, but when you do sneak into my thoughts, you always manage to tear me apart a bit, inside. The past year has taught me yet again, that change is the only constant in life, that as humans we are very adaptable (I've never understood the concept of '5 things you can't live without' kind of questions... When it comes down to surviving we all can make do without a lot of things... I mean don't we go on living and move on without our loved ones around?), that time is irrelevant when you grieve for a loss. Time sure heals... not by taking away your grief or stemming your sense of loss, but by helping build the coping mechanism to face the loss, hurt and grief...

All around me, I hear stories of what a great professor, husband, father, brother etc you were.... All who knew you or knew of you, don't hesitate to put in their few cents...
All fail to acknowledge that you were a fantastic person by yourself.. you were human too with flaws like any of us..... I see those flaws Appa, and I accept them as a part of you, but I also realize that I don't want to incorporate them into my life... You might not have been the perfect man, but you were the perfect dad and I wouldn't have it any other way. I learnt a lot from you about life, about principles, about everyday things, about silence, about respect... and there is a lot more I need to learn. You are not around unfortunately to educate me anymore, but I find myself looking back into your life to glean some more lessons....

I am not yet at peace about your absence, nor am I willing to totally let you go yet. I do though hope you are happy, and at peace wherever you are at present. Continue to guide me and be my star Appa, because even in your absence I need you. I miss your silent support, when I think of the future I want, and know that from now on I'll be quite by myself. Not many are willing to cheer me on or understand my dreams. I miss your quite and steady stream of love and affection even more. I love you.